then & now

let's compare how i was at the beginning of college......

 to how i am now.

jusssstttttttt a little different!!!!!

 that awkward moment when your dog blows snot EVERYWHERE.

and then you realize she's just adorable and you forgive her.

we're currently watching HOCUS POCUS!!!! and im beyond thrilled. when i saw it at redbox i squealed like a 4 year old at a pet store. toodles bloggers. remember that halloween movies are playing like crazy on the sci fi channel :]

hello blog world.
life is changing fast.
yesterday seemed like i was still at my old university, walking to the cafeteria with half the dorm.
today i'm up at midnight writing an 11 page paper and other miscellaneous things.
i have too many career options to choose from which has got me RIDICULOUSLY frustrated.
and i deleted my facebook a few months ago.
so i'm social network deprived and resorting to my blog.
maybe it would help with the things flying through my mind.
like:  wheres my life going and why cant i see it?
deep thoughts. deeeep miserable thoughts.
well, my water kettle is done boiling and my green tea and matcha are waiting for me.
till next time bloggers. chow.

Just a glimpse of what I'm leaving behind.

Romeo.
My boyfriend...my best friend.

It's love.  No doubt about it!

My best best BEST friend.  PeTA.

He taught me so much.

I can't remember how I lived without him before.

It's one of "those" friendships. 

Ashley.

My roommate that I could talk about for days.

She has made my life here AMAZING and I thank her for that daily.

These people will always be a part of my life.  I could never forget them.  It's the most difficult part of my life...to say goodbye to them.

Life as I am living it. Day three.

I'm feeling desperate.  I have failed yet again and it's no surprise.  I would like to think that this is as low as I can go, that me failing classes again and disappointing my parents AGAIN is it...but I know that it's not.  Soon, the lectures will begin.  The lectures that are all about why I failed, how I failed, that I am going down the wrong road, that I seem like I am on drugs, that there must be a bigger reason for my failure than that of me just being lazy.  THERE ISN'T ANOTHER REASON.  That's just it:  I am lazy.  I can't force myself to do anything productive.  I feel as if I fell right back into depression.  I keep thinking about how my life is going:  Horribly.  I am leaving this place, this University, this "life."  I am leaving behind the friends I have made, who have been by my side from day one.  I am leaving the one I adore & love with my whole heart so I can do better with my own life.  This is definitely the deepest pain I will have to endure.  I think about all of this daily and my head is buzzing with sadness and loneliness.  Is there any out?  Is there light at the end of the darkest tunnel?...because I'm in it and I don't see a light.  I would greatly appreciate a glimpse of hope!!  If someone would show sympathy, maybe a tid-bit of compassion on this poor soul, I would be forever grateful.  Let's face the truth, I have dug myself a deep hole and I have to find my own way out of it.  As I heard in the movie Black Swan:

"You are the only person standing in your way.  Lose yourself."

I feel like if I were to lose myself anymore, I would be officially lost.  Hopefully I can at least move out of my own way.  Maybe I am the obstacle blocking the little ray of light at the end of this hellish tunnel.  One can only hope.

Life as I am living it. Day two.

So, this is the official week of finals.  I should be studying my little heart out like a diligent student would be.  However, I am not that person.  I am too busy dwelling on my life here.  I moved out of my home state to come to this university and I live on campus.  I didn't pick my roommate and I knew only a handful of people here.  This is the conclusion of my 9 months here and this is what I have to say about it:

The day I arrived on this campus, I was at-ease.  I wasn't nervous and I didn't have any jitters.  It was something that just felt right at the time.  I was the last roommate to move in and I had help from my then "guy friend."  (I had just started college and I didn't want to say that I had a boyfriend.  So he was just my guy friend).  I walked into my dorm room and met MY roommate, Ashley.  (Our dorms have two suites and a bathroom, 2 roommates per suite).  She was there with her parents who were very gentle people and very welcoming.  All five of us introduced ourselves...Michelle, Ashley, Tason, Karen, and Courtland.  Hi, hello, nice to meet you, how are ya, hi there.

And so my college career began.  I am a different kind of person.  I'm loud, laugh at everything, a complete klutz, I enjoy being in the dark...I don't like bright lights but I have a reason for that, I think we all look slightly better in dim light.  I am a girl who is obsessed with metal and post melodic hardcore music.  I have gauges and the bottom half of my hair is black.  I am a straight forward, no nonsense girl who can take criticism and hand it right back to you.  This is who I am.
I met with the rest of the dorm.  (There are three floors but the 2nd and 3rd floor people are much more social than the 1st...just saying).  Everyone became so close.  This is the best aspect of college in my opinion.  That of the social aspect.  If it were not for these friends, I would have lost my mind.  They have kept me sane.  None other than my very own roommate, Ashley, have been there for me the entire time.

Ash is the kind of person that if you were to meet her, right off you know that she would never hurt a fly.  She always has that "Hi!! I'm Ashley!" smile on her face.  Everyone wants to be her friend because she is the one to always hand out compliments and give a shoulder to cry on if you need it.  She's the reliable one, the sweet one, the friendly one...the innocent one.  Pair her with me, and people wonder how we got along so well.  She introduced me to the world as Ash sees it.  It's full of peeps, soppy, cute music, candy and popsicles, the Utah Utes, close-knit families, faith, humility, pure honesty, and just adorableness.  This is Ashley.  We became the closest of friends.  One was never without the other.  I cannot tell you an honest number of how many times we have pulled all nighters together (which is when you stay awake ALL NIGHT and then ALL DAY the next day).  The number is definitely over 30 but this is just my guesstimate.  We shout random things out of our window, we vacuum at 4am, we pushed our 8ft tall beds together to make a king bed, we get in trouble for making too much noise, we bought hamsters...and a kitten, we take drives up the canyon in the middle of the night, late night Denny's trips were a part of our lives.  There is just SO MUCH to our lives here.  None of this would have been fun without her.  Understand that she is the sister I couldn't have.  (I have a sister but she left my life when i was 10-years-old).  I only have three days left with this amazing person and she has made a life-long impact on me.  I am changed for the better.  We both fell right into depression this year and we both came out of it.  I would be able to talk about her for days but I understand that you, as my reader, would tire of this. 

So, as I wrap up my story, my second day of blogging, the second day of tracking my life, I would like to say that I am a changed person.  From the moment I graduated high school, to the moment I leave this campus forever, I became someone new.  I will never forget all the memories I had here.  Not one.  Simply because they are all so memorable and fantastic.  I only wish that everyone else's college career had been so blissful.

PEEPS!!!

The reason any person

should be looking forward to Easter.

Leave them out for a day or two, and you have

yourself the best NON-FAT sugary snack that makes your day.

"IZ"

This song is inspiring.

It can turn the worst of days into gold.

Listen.  Truly listen.  Live & breathe it.  Believe it.

Something Uplifting.

"Here's a secret,

you get an opportunity for a second chance

 everytime you wake up in the morning."

-X.

"Desperation is the raw material of drastic change.  Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape."  -William S. Burroughs

Life as I am living it. Day one.

As I am approaching the close of my freshman year of college, I think to myself, "I would like a re-do please, a re-do of this entire year."  Almost instantly, you, my reader, have learned three things about myself.  One, that I am in college.  Two, that I am close to no longer being a freshman in this university.  Three, that i have regrets and disappointments.  These are three very stable facts about myself.  Perhaps you asked why I have regrets.  Well, don't you?  Please be honest, I hate to hear people say, "Of course I don't have any regrets.  If I didn't make the mistakes I did, or make the decisions I chose, I would not be where I am today."  This is all fine and true.  However, what if you made a mistake you regretted?  What if you knew that if that mistake hadn't been made, you could be somewhere else in your life...some place better and more joyous than where you currently are?  Now think about your life.  Think about the daring actions you took, may it be law-breaking, heartbreaking, a test of strength or weakness.  If you had not made this choice, how would your life be different than it now is?  Now then, do you have any regrets?  Let me tell you of my own.  First, I regret moving to another state to start college, to leave behind all that was familiar to me.  Second, I regret not setting permanent goals for myself.  Third, I regret abusing the freedom that was generously given to me.  Fourth, I regret not getting angry with myself when I knew I was placing myself in the line of failure.  Fifth, I regret giving-in.  I am disappointed with myself, guilty, slightly maniacal, even depressed.  This, readers, is the story of my life.